confession

Okay, so maybe I'm not feeling as well as I thought I was.

I have really been trying to think positively about things and to take better care of myself (ie. stop cutting a few centimetres off of my hair before each shower and go to the fucking hairdresser already), but I seem to be having a hard time doing either. I feel really overwhelmed these days. Avery is taking a long time to recover from the chronic constipation, and as a result, is not eating very much in the way of solid foods and is still breastfeeding before each nap and 3-4 times a night when she wakes up from the gas pains. I'm exhausted. Every night after her 3am wake-up, I cannot fall back asleep until at least 5am- ish. My thoughts start racing and the anxiety comes creeping back in. Mostly I am DREADING going back to work and leaving Avery. The thought of having to wean her and get her to start napping without the boob before I go back seems like such a monstrous task that it tires me out even to think about it.

If I complain to the husband that I am overwhelmed I get the same response each time. He either says "This is your job (stay at home mum), can't you handle it?" or suggests that maybe we shouldn't have any more babies if it is so hard on me. I don't even want to complain to him anymore. I love Avery and she makes me happier than anything. Motherhood is not the problem.

I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't feel like changing out of the yoga pants and trying to dress myself up once in awhile because I really don't like how I look anymore.

If there was some way for me to stay home with Avery and make some money I would jump at the chance. Is it like this for all mothers?

Anyway, I'm at a loss for anymore words on this subject. Perhaps things will start to get better soon.

shit

When I first got the stool softener for Avery I thought: this should be no problem giving this to her. It is an orange flavoured syrup to be administered orally via a little plunger thingy. Two teaspoons twice a day, to be increased as is tolerated up to a maximum of two tablespoons twice a day.

I started this stuff 2 weeks ago. We made it one week and got up to the maximum dosage before Avery decided that she no longer wanted to consume this insipid orangey shit and refused to drink it, even if I "concealed" it in another liquid. I can imagine that breastmilk and insipid orange flavoured shit don't mix well. Also, Avery is not a fan of many other liquids. She does like water, but will not drink it with the orange stuff in it.

Ugh.

Since she started this stuff, she has had a few big poops, nothing I would call monumental, and is still waking up 4-5 times a night with gas pain whereupon I must nurse her back to sleep. Both of us are exhausted. Now she isn't getting her stool softener so she has not pooped in two days. Tomorrow we see the pediatrician again where I will have to explain to him that perhaps having a medicine that needs to be administered in this fashion twice a day for 6-8 months is not the best option for a 10 month old. I will also have to try not to get teary in the office, which is no guarantee as I am incredibly sleep deprived with a baby that is always hurting and I have to wean her and get her on solid fucking food in time for me to go back to work in July.

Again I say ugh.

Happy Mother's Day

To my beautiful, happy, smart, wonderful, snuggly little bean girl: I am so lucky to be your mummy. I love you kitten. xoxoxoxoxoxo

backlog

We saw our pediatrician today, who had the results of the x-ray on Avery. It turns out Avery has a HUGE blockage of poop in her colon. I was in tears. How long has she been suffering with this? How many times did I go to our stupid family doctor only to be told that it was normal constipation from solid foods? I am ALWAYS going to listen to my momtuition from now on and not take any shit from doctors. Pardon the pun.

Avery is now taking a stool softener/laxative to "gently" coerce the lump out of her poor little body. I expect I will have a new baby in a week or two. For now, I am on poop watch. This could get messy.

making it all worthwhile...

The other night the husband and I were sitting on the floor, watching TV and playing with Avery. My husband had Avery on his lap and they were looking at one of her books. At one point I glanced over at them and saw my husband nuzzling the back of Avery's neck with his nose. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen.

Having a baby with my husband has made me fall in love with him all over again. Although I would never admit this to him cause I'm such a hard ass. Though having Avery has made things stressful at times and put a strain on our marriage some days, watching my husband hold her and care for her is like an aphrodisiac.

Makes me want to have another baby. Almost.

title

Yes, I have changed the title of my blog. Partly because I will be 30 at the end of this year, so continuing to call this blog 20 something will be like lying about my age, and I'm not down with that. Also, I was inspired by the new windows we had installed in our house, which resulted in me having to haul ass to Ikea and get new curtains, which I then had to wash and promptly iron. This really sucked. It is still not done because Avery is quite a handful and won't let me get anything done. I then realized how pathetic the quest for the perfectly clean house is, and how ironing giant ten story high linen curtains fills me with rage.

Hope you enjoy the new title.