confession
Okay, so maybe I'm not feeling as well as I thought I was.
I have really been trying to think positively about things and to take better care of myself (ie. stop cutting a few centimetres off of my hair before each shower and go to the fucking hairdresser already), but I seem to be having a hard time doing either. I feel really overwhelmed these days. Avery is taking a long time to recover from the chronic constipation, and as a result, is not eating very much in the way of solid foods and is still breastfeeding before each nap and 3-4 times a night when she wakes up from the gas pains. I'm exhausted. Every night after her 3am wake-up, I cannot fall back asleep until at least 5am- ish. My thoughts start racing and the anxiety comes creeping back in. Mostly I am DREADING going back to work and leaving Avery. The thought of having to wean her and get her to start napping without the boob before I go back seems like such a monstrous task that it tires me out even to think about it.
If I complain to the husband that I am overwhelmed I get the same response each time. He either says "This is your job (stay at home mum), can't you handle it?" or suggests that maybe we shouldn't have any more babies if it is so hard on me. I don't even want to complain to him anymore. I love Avery and she makes me happier than anything. Motherhood is not the problem.
I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't feel like changing out of the yoga pants and trying to dress myself up once in awhile because I really don't like how I look anymore.
If there was some way for me to stay home with Avery and make some money I would jump at the chance. Is it like this for all mothers?
Anyway, I'm at a loss for anymore words on this subject. Perhaps things will start to get better soon.
I have really been trying to think positively about things and to take better care of myself (ie. stop cutting a few centimetres off of my hair before each shower and go to the fucking hairdresser already), but I seem to be having a hard time doing either. I feel really overwhelmed these days. Avery is taking a long time to recover from the chronic constipation, and as a result, is not eating very much in the way of solid foods and is still breastfeeding before each nap and 3-4 times a night when she wakes up from the gas pains. I'm exhausted. Every night after her 3am wake-up, I cannot fall back asleep until at least 5am- ish. My thoughts start racing and the anxiety comes creeping back in. Mostly I am DREADING going back to work and leaving Avery. The thought of having to wean her and get her to start napping without the boob before I go back seems like such a monstrous task that it tires me out even to think about it.
If I complain to the husband that I am overwhelmed I get the same response each time. He either says "This is your job (stay at home mum), can't you handle it?" or suggests that maybe we shouldn't have any more babies if it is so hard on me. I don't even want to complain to him anymore. I love Avery and she makes me happier than anything. Motherhood is not the problem.
I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't feel like changing out of the yoga pants and trying to dress myself up once in awhile because I really don't like how I look anymore.
If there was some way for me to stay home with Avery and make some money I would jump at the chance. Is it like this for all mothers?
Anyway, I'm at a loss for anymore words on this subject. Perhaps things will start to get better soon.
Labels: Avery, blah, mommy bullshit
posted by vegan mum at 12:05 PM
2 Comments:
I think it is like this for most mothers. I stayed home for 18 months because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her.
I went back to school part-time when she turned 6 months, and for me, it was a great option (though logistically and financially impossible to sustain considering you can't be in school forever, and if you can afford school you can afford to stay home). The best of both worlds--a bit of adult time, a bit of SAHM time.
I'm now back at work, and in many ways, life is so so so much easier, but the guilt still remains constantly. All the time.
Ugh. I'm so sorry your husband says that to you. That sucks.
I'm afraid I don't really have any advice as far as ways to make money while staying at home. I went back to work when my daughter was 3 months old. But maybe there's some way for you to get a little time away each week, which might help with your feelings of being overwhelmed.
One of my stay-at-home-mom friends hires a babysitter (a local college student) to come once a week for a couple of hours and watch her baby. During that time, my friend goes shopping, gets a haircut, reads a book, works out, etc. If it's not in the budget to hire someone for a couple hours, do you know any other new moms with whom you could do a "swap"? We can't really afford babysitters ($12-15 an hour out here!!) but we do a monthly swap with another couple and it works really well.
I'm so sorry about the anxiety you're feeling. I;ve been there. I'm still there sometimes.
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