self-esteem

Today is the first really warm sunny day in the last however many months. We had a long, cold, stormy winter and when I woke up this morning I thought to myself: shave legs (lower half at least), find capri pants from last year, put them on and take Avery outside for a nice long walk.

When Avery went down for her morning nap I grabbed my electric razor only to find that the battery was dead. Then I realized that my charger was missing, most likely lost in a pile in the spare bedroom/office/garbage dump. I recalled asking the husband if he had seen it around last week and he said he wouldn't have remembered something like that. Translation: he was attempting to clean up the spare room and threw my charger in the garbage. He did this a few weeks ago with my hair roller holders. I still have the hot rollers, but I have nothing to hold them in my hair <>.

I decided to use a regular razor and, because I can't run the shower in the upstairs bathroom while Avery is sleeping because it sounds like a jet engine taking off, I dry-shaved. Not only did I miss a number of very long hairs, I caused my skin to break out in a rash.

When I went to try on last summer's wardrobe (and by this I mean the large-sized Old Navy capri yoga pants I bought so I could stretch them over my massive pregnant belly) I realized that I was looking pretty sloppy. And I have nothing else to wear, and oh yeah, I hate my body and I feel like a fat slob.

Because husband is on days this week, it is very hard for me to fit in a shower. Can't do it during Avery's nap time (jet engine), and my child will not allow me to leave her in a playpen to watch a baby video and play by herself so that I can clean myself when she is awake.

So now I am fat, sloppy and greasy-haired. Oh, and my eyebrows haven't been plucked in like, 3 months. I stood in front of the mirror and thought to myself: holy shit, how long have you been allowing yourself to leave the house like this?

I actually felt like crying.

And then I went to the bathroom and found that my period had started. And I am out of tampons and now I really do have to leave the fucking house looking like this.

I stepped outside my front door and was greeted by the sight of a new neighbour, all 300 plus pounds of her, standing on her driveway with a smoke hanging out of her mouth while she yelled at her kids to get off of the other neighbour's lawn. She was braless, and covering her corpulent waist and breasts that hung like burlap sacks full of half-filled water balloons, was a t-shirt that read: This is WHY I'm Hot.

And you know what? I still feel like crap about myself. What the hell is wrong with me?