Tuesday, November 25, 2008

and how was your evening?

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, a familiar and horrible pain began in my stomach. Deep down, I knew what it was but I tried to pretend that it would go away by the time I got home. I was wrong. By the time I got in the door, I was doubled over in pain with a toddler clawing at me and a husband threatening to take me to the hospital.

I think I might have gallstones.

This is the second “attack” I have had in two months. Generally, it starts as what feels like massive gas pain in the right side of my stomach, but eventually becomes horrible, crippling pain that spreads to my back and right shoulder as I literally writhe around on the floor for 2 hours or more like a wild animal. Eventually, the pain subsides and I am left weak, pale and pretty fucking irritated with the whole thing. The last time this happened, I assumed it was gas. My husband looked at me when I told him this and told me that “there is no way that gas pain does that to someone”. As a firefighter, he goes to medical calls and he told me he thought I was passing a kidney stone or something. I would compare the pain to labour. Labour at about the time the idiot nurse let my epidural run out while I was in transition and dilated to 10 centimetres. She left the room for 45 minutes. If I ever see that woman again I will hurt her.

Anyway, the pain is that bad. My dad had his gallbladder removed when he was around my age because he had some gallstones. He tells me his attacks were like mine. And apparently, pregnancy can trigger these attacks. Yay. I’m 18 weeks pregnant with a broke-ass gallbladder. I still have not had a diagnosis. I am seeing the doctor next week and I imagine will have to go in for some tests. Maybe they can just take a gander at the old gallbladder when I’m in for my ultrasound on Tuesday.

This could turn out to be something completely different, but I’m thinking my assumption about gallstones might be correct.

I’ll update accordingly.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

mish mash

I’m finding it harder to concentrate at work these days. I can’t seem to motivate myself the way I used to. Perhaps this is because I know that I am not coming back after my maternity leave this time. I’ve flip-flopped on this a couple of times. Some days I realize how lucky I am to have such a great job within a 15 minute commute from my home. I worry that there will not be a position open for me in a few years time should I decide to come back. Technically, and legally, they only have to hold my job for me for a year. I know that they would take me back if something was available when I wanted to come back but there is no guarantee that there will be something and who the hell knows where we will be then anyway.

As much as I like my job, I do feel like it is a waste of time. I leave the house by 730am and I am gone all day until 430pm. I really miss that time with my daughter and she misses me. I sit behind a desk all day while my daughter plays, learns, laughs, bonds with other people (which is important, I know) but I miss a lot.

This morning as I sit here listening to the twit in the cubicle next to me scrape at the bottom of her empty yogurt container as if she hasn’t eaten in months (just buy a bigger yogurt next time), and delete yet another e-mail forward from the crazy cat lady who I now call “silent thunder” because she smells like farts every few minutes without making a sound, I am thankful that I get to stay home with my children. As “productive” as one might feel at work, I still think being home with your kids (and being happy) is the best way to spend time.

The egg is kicking away. Avery is finally weaned and I can say, very proudly, that it was on her schedule, and we took as much time as she needed to do it sensitively and compassionately. At night, instead of nursing her, we curl up in the bed and read a book. Then she snuggles into me and we stare at each other and whisper “night night” about a hundred times while she smiles at me and plays with my hair. Finally she closes her eyes and I feel her body relax and she is asleep. It is heavenly.

I got an OB the other day. She is a woman (yay!) and came highly recommended so I am hoping I’ll like her. She is going to be the person cutting me open after all so I hope I’m comfortable with her. I see her at the end of this month.

That’s it for now. Next time I update will probably be about my BRAND NEW FREAKING DIGITAL CAMERA that I am getting thanks to my husband and eBay. We managed to get it for $500 less than retail. I am finally going to have a decent camera. Things just keep getting better!

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Friday, November 07, 2008

A New Era

In Canada, we have never had a black prime minister. Actually, neither has Great Britain. So in a way, I find it strange for Canadians to congratulate Americans on finally “breaking through the race barrier” or overcoming their racist past. I know much of this has to do with the fact that slavery was deemed acceptable practice for a longer time in the US than it was in Canada, and that to this day race relations in the States remain tumultuous – especially in the Southern states. Canada, while it is a much more liberal country than America, is still guilty of its own racist history and is not free of racism in this present day.

On the other hand, I woke up the day after Barack Obama was elected with a sense of peace I have never felt before. In a way, the world felt, if only temporarily, like a better place. And as I watched the reaction from black Americans as they found out that Obama was the President elect, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Truly it was an amazing thing to witness. After the horrible historic events in the recent history of the US, including 911 and Hurricane Katrina, this was a proud moment for everyone. So I do not regard this historic event as the US finally entering into the new era with the rest of us, because the rest of us have certainly not been this progressive thus far in our own elections…instead I see this as a victory for black Americans who can hopefully feel that finally - after slavery, after the years and years of fighting to be seen as equals, after the horrific aftermath of the hurricane that showed them that they didn’t mater to the rest of the country – they have a voice.

This is also a victory for women, who under McCain’s presidency would be left once again fighting for rights over their own bodies. And I hope that this will also be a victory for healthcare in the US, for the fight against global warming, and that President Obama will end the occupation in Iraq.

Many Canadians have asked me why I had so much interest in this US election. My brother in law says he does not understand, when we only had a 60% (or less) voter turn out for our recent election, how so many of us could have so much passion for American politics. I asked him how he could be so naïve. The impact of the US election will have far greater implications and consequences for us and for the rest of the world than our own will. I think that the election of Obama has sent a signal to the world that the US is ready to start participating. I think Obama represents a smarter, more fair America.

After 8 years of an ignorant, stupid Republican running the show, this really was the change that we all needed. Thank you to all the Americans who voted for Obama. And as for Sarah Palin: go back to Alaska, bitch. And stay there.

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Monday, November 03, 2008

on motherhood

This week, I felt the egg move. I remember feeling Avery move pretty early on too, and I remember being told by my doctor and a few other people that what I was feeling was “just gas”. Of course, they were all wrong.

And you know what? There were a lot of “they’s” who were very wrong about a lot of things concerning pregnancy and birth and being a parent. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could go back in time and tell that to my newly pregnant self? However, I am a stronger girl for it and I feel that because I have stuck by most of my convictions, I have become a pretty good mother. And Avery in turn, is a happy little girl.

My husband and I don’t bother to discuss the specifics of how we raise our children with other people anymore. We found that we encountered a lot of criticism when we did, a lot of “well meant” advice that often times made us feel guilty and like we were doing the wrong thing. And I really don’t think we are so far off the “traditional” path of parenthood, but when you have your baby sleep in the bed with you, carry her in a sling everywhere all day, breastfeed on demand and wean when she is ready, you open yourself up to a lot of comments.

Now that I’m a mother, I cannot imagine trying to give another woman advice about how to take care of her children. Much of the time I think the advice I get from other women is bullshit. And much of the time I realize that, at least in our society, we try to fit out babies into our lives as best we can by scheduling them, getting them distraction toys like Exersaucers to sit in for hours (seriously, my nephew is in one for at least 3 hours a day) while we “get things done”, letting them cry it out so they learn sleep independence, carting them around in strollers and car seats instead of on us in slings, and in some cases, choosing to formula feed for the convenience factor.

As much as I think that all of that stuff is the “wrong way” to parent, I would never dream of criticizing another woman for doing those things. And one would think that given the fact that I have a healthy, happy, smart, loved baby that people would give me credit for the good job I have been doing. Instead they focus on the wrong things and tell me that my baby is manipulating me, or that I need to get her used to being on her own for independence.

I was at a Halloween party last weekend where all the mothers from one of my mom groups all got together with our babies and our husbands as an excuse to dress the kids up and get some cute pictures. For the entire 3 hours that I was there, I noticed that one of the babies, 10 months old, sat in a corner of the room by herself the entire time. Her mum came in, plunked her down, and then off she went to eat and socialize. The baby’s father was there too, but he was ignoring her as well. There were no tears, or even a peep for that matter, in fact both of the parents joked about how easy she was because they could just leave her alone and she didn’t mind. So is this baby independent? Or has she learned that she is not going to get the attention so she has become more inwardly focused? In our group, and in many others, she is deemed a good baby and it is left at that. But this baby rarely smiles when you coo at her and I think that is sad. I know my daughter can be rambunctious and full of energy all day long, which sometimes wears on me, but I am thankful that she is happy, curious and fun-loving as a result of being the centre of my life. Which is the way it should be, in my opinion.

I still take care of myself, I still make time for my husband and get out with friends, but Avery can count on me anytime she needs me. I know that this has made our relationship incredibly strong. How anyone could challenge me on that I don’t understand. I try to keep these things in mind as I prepare to have my second child.

Motherhood is hard enough on us. I think we can all do without the criticism.

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