Engrish

I have recently come across an amusing and sometimes hilarious website www.engrish.com. It features Japanese products (from clothing to candy wrappers) with poor english translations on them. Often, I am bored at work (or I feel like slacking) and I find this site a fun way to pass the time. I have included some examples below of some particularly good ones:

Candy Wrapper: Its nice to be a watermelon pig. We can eat watermelon as much ass. we want. Because we live in watermelon hills.

On a Wallet: Mr. Friendly. He always stays near you and steals your mind to lead you into a good shituation.


Check it out.


Office Girl.

Office Girl Review: "The Aristocrats"

If anyone tells you to go see the movie "The Aristocrats", don't. The documentary is about this one joke that is apparently infamous and has been passed down, comic to comic, for generations. The joke is stupid and is really all about being as disgusting as possible. I can't be bothered to give a synopsis of the joke, but most of it involves, defecation, urination, incest, child molestation, anal sex, oral sex, vomit and schtupping your grandma. The whole point of the joke is to be as offensive as possible. The documentary interviews a bunch of famous comics including Bob Saget, George Carlen and Paul Reiser (I had no idea he was a comedian). I think the most disturbing part of the movie for me was when I heard Paul Reiser (you might remember him as the author of such classic novels as "Babyhood" and "Couplehood") talk about "fisting his daughter". Yeah.

The movie is stupid because it is based on the premise that people in our society are entertained by comics repeatedly using the "F" word and talking about sucking their grandfather's cocks. Ha ha. I was told that Bob Saget's telling of the joke was one of the highlights of this film. Now, hearing Bob Saget ask anyone if they'd ever "sucked dick for coke" in the movie "Half Baked" was pretty priceless; watching Saget rely on his association with the TV show "Full House" to juxtapose his repeated use of the word "pussy" is not funny. I would have to say, to at least give this movie some credit, that watching Cartman from Southpark tell the joke to the other kids of Southpark was pretty goddamn funny. That was the only funny bit though.

Some people will like this movie (boys), and some people won't (everyone else). In my opinion, it sucked. I would say, maybe try to get the Southpark clip off the internet and forget about the rest of this timewaster.

Office Girl.

Countdown to Meltdown

I've been dragging my ass since I got back from my vacation. At first I thought it was because I was adjusting to the cold and getting up early everyday again.

It's been weeks since I have been back and I am not getting better. I think I know what it is now. I hate my job. Actually, I don't hate what I do, I hate the people I have to work with.

Something happened to me yesterday in the early afternoon. I started getting into a bad mood, and I mean a really bad mood. I have not felt like that in years. Generally, I am pretty easy going and happy, rarely do I get in foul states of mind.

I think it started with my girlfriend at work here. She is the only person I truly like and we get along really well. She's been taking a lot of abuse from MegaBitch, and yesterday she had sort of a breakdown. MB is making my friend's life at work miserable. Nothing is being done about this woman and it is infuriating me. She has caused 2 people to quit and my friend is on her way out because she can't take it anymore.

Then, my boss, who is generally miserable and very caustic got on my nerves. Instead of directing people (i.e. me) by saying things like: "When you get a chance, could you..." or "Would you please have this research done by this afternoon..." She will come over to my desk, put some papers down in front of me and say "You need to make copies of this and put it on the website right away."

I need to.

Everything is a priority to this woman. I respected that in the beginning because, obviously, shit needs to get done; until I realized that most of the time she is just talking out of her ass. The reason I know this? She forgets what she tells me to do, she never follows up, and when I complete the "priority" task, she says "Oh, you didn't need to rush on that."

Every time.

She also has a habit of waiting to the last minute for everything, and then dumping it on me. Yesterday was no exception. At the end of the day, my head was pounding, my shoulders were in knots and I couldn't wait to get the hell out. When I got home, all I could do was lie on the couch and stare mindlessly at the television. I went to bed early to get some extra sleep, but to no avail.

This morning I felt like I was dragging myself in here again. Why can I not find a fucking job that I like where I can work with decent people? Why is this so difficult?

Note to self: GET PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY.

Office Girl.

V-Day

Hey everyone!!! It's Valentines Day!!!!! YaY!!!!!!!!!!

Valetines Day in the office: annoying.

I have received 4 valetines so far, and all are from female coworkers. These are the women who have their cubicles all decked out in Valentines paraphenalia, yet are single, and have been single for many years. One of them even has one of those bobbly things with the antennae that you wear on your head. You know those? Yeah, the ones with the little hearts.

I'm not trying to be a total prick about this but come on. Yet another Hallmark holiday where men feel pressured to "prove their love" by purchasing useless and overpriced items for women who for some reason demand these things; and where single women everywhere go home, watch Bridgette Jones and drink by themselves. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I happen to like that movie and I do on occasion crack a bottle of wine all by my lonesome.

I'm married. Once you are married, and even when you are dating seriously, the "holidays" just keep piling up. Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, Christmas, etc. Why are we required to purchase crap just because Hallmark has invented another holiday? Why don't couples just do nice things for eachother on regular days? We all know that men just hate this holiday. They have to buy overpriced flowers, stupid cheeseball cards, or outrageously expensive jewelery. If they don't, they are jerks. And what do women have to do?

We are supposed to be taken out for dinner and then put out.

Seriously. This is the image we are provided with in this culture. It's like, this is the only day all year where you do something nice for your partner (other than the other bazillion forced holidays that require you to buy shit and give your husband a blow job, except for Christmas-that day is for baby Jesus, not blow jobs). But I digress.

I say fuck Valentines day. Do something nice for your significant other on any old day. And stop buying cards! How ridiculous is it that I get a valentines card from my grandmother?!? I'm not even kidding-they make valentines cards for grandparents to give to their grandchildren.

And to all the women in my office: I am not your valentine, it's really nice of you to think of me but perhaps you should put your energies into finding a man. And you can start by taking those bobble things off of your head-that would definetly improve the chances.

Office Girl.

PS: Apropo of nothing, I have started reading a really, really good book. "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman- I highly recommend.

My Last Nerve

Several people in this office are now working my last nerve.

MB took a couple of days off but she is back at work now, still sick as a dog and coughing everywhere. She and two other people are currently hanging out around her desk talking about the Grammys.

I am surrounded by idiots. Idiots who say stupid things, talk about the most unimportant shit, and sprinkle their vocabulary with grammatical errors. Case in point:

"I seen that movie last week."

That little gem was MB. She actually says "stoled" instead of stole. ("She stoled it from him") A grown woman. Total white trash of course. And there are two other employees gathering around her to kiss her wrinkled up old ass for no reason that I can think of. They are all talking about Mariah Carey right now. It is annoying me to no end to have to listen to their bullshit conversation about some bullshit awards show. Yeah, I watch that crap too sometimes, but it is not the centerpiece of my conversations the next day.

Office Girl.

C U Next Tuesday

MegaBitch.

Otherwise known as MB in my blogs. I have written about this woman for a long time now because she is honestly the worst, most irritating person I have ever met. Today MB decided to come in to work even though she has one of the worst colds ever. She is currently coughing her ass off and spreading her germs to the rest of us. I have no idea what posessed me to do so, but this morning I actually asked her if she was feeling better. She just looked at me with her shrivelled-up old leather handbag face and said "no" in the bitchiest tone EVER. I hate you MB and I want you to die. I am not going to be nice to you anymore.

The fact that I have to put up with her bullshit day in and day out in this office is ridiculous. Everyone, and I mean everyone, including the boss, walks on eggshells around her. Why? No idea. If I were her manager, her ass would have been gone long ago.

The rage....the rage.......

I have to think of a creative and office-appropriate way to ruin her work days. Simply writing about doesn't seem to do the trick anymore.

She is coughing again. I want to go over there and throw some cough drops down onto her desk and say:

"Here. Suck on this and shut the fuck up. I'm trying to work, bitch."

How the hell can she be such a complete asshole everyday of her life? This would require quite a bit of energy you would think. How the fuck does she get away with this?

I have to stop. I am getting angrier and angrier now.

Serenity now!!!!!!

Office Girl.