30 weeks pregnant

I’m still here. We have been battling virus after virus at our house these past few weeks and I swear I have never been so tired in my life.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant and Hayden is feeling pretty huge to me, maybe even bigger than Avery was at this point. It’s weird how this second pregnancy has not been as big of a deal as my first. I feel like time has flown by and some days I even forget that I’m pregnant (well, not lately given the size of my tummy). I guess with having a toddler, a full time job and all the other stuff in life, I just don’t have time to sit around and reflect on this pregnancy.

I have not written any letters to Hayden yet and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I have made it a priority to do at least a couple of them before she is born. I am scheduled to have my c-section on April 16th at 3:45pm. I find it very strange to be able to write the exact date and time of the birth of my second daughter in my planner. Besides the horrible heartburn and the gallstones, this pregnancy has been a pretty good one. I can’t believe it’s almost over. Most days, I am filled with excitement about the new baby; on other days, I’m a little worried about Avery and how she is going to feel about the whole thing. I’m also worried that I’m going to have postpartum depression again. I have spoken to my OB about it and have the name and number of a psychologist but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to call. Every now and again, I get a faint hint of the depression and anxiety. Is this when I started to get it with Avery? Before I had her? I can’t remember. I know the feeling well though. These tiny little reminders of it could be nothing, or they could be the first few dark clouds passing over the sun before the storm rolls in.

I am going to see how I feel over the next few weeks and make a decision about the psychologist then.

In the meantime, I’m wrapping things up at work and looking forward to being able to be home with my children for a few years, because truly that makes me a very lucky mother indeed.

the halcyon holidays

It has been quite a while since I’ve updated this thing. Christmas was crazy and tantrum-filled (many of those tantrums were thrown by me) as we hauled ass from place to place, visiting people I could really care less about for the most part and explaining to family members over and over that no, we do not eat turkey – we are vegetarian – turkey is meat. So is chicken. So is fish. We don’t eat that shit. So don’t pass the fucking turkey thanks so much.

The husband was working day shift on Christmas Day so I went solo to my dad’s house with Avery. I made my dad promise me over and over that no one would be smoking in the house while his pregnant daughter and lovely granddaughter were there and he assured me that no one would be smoking in the house. As soon as his girlfriend’s broke-ass relatives arrived, they all grabbed the rye and headed for the basement where they proceeded to smoke like it was bingo night. I had to explain to my father and his girlfriend that even though those motherfuckers were smoking in the basement, it did not mean that the smoke was not travelling up through the house. Also, the dinner table was set up in the basement, so there was no way in hell I would be eating down there.

So after spending the entire afternoon running around after Avery without any help, she and I ended up eating upstairs by ourselves while all the assholes gorged downstairs. I’m happy to report that of the two turkeys cooked that day, one of them succeeded in sickening several of the dinner guests. Ha!

And sadly, after all of my plans to get my mother in law the most thoughtless, cheap and horrible birthday gift in the history of all birthday gifts, my gallbladder threw a wrench into the whole thing, choosing to attack me on not one, but two occasions before her birthday and I ended up re-gifting some crap that I got for early Christmas gifts from other thoughtless people. I did manage to include some dollar store candles that I am hoping will prove to be nothing more than lead filled fire hazards. I picture her sitting on her couch next to one as it burns away, pretending to read one of her Oprah’s book club books while inhaling the carcinogens. It warms the cockles of me heart, it does.

Anyhoo the big story of the Christmas holidays was the day that she and the other members of my dysfunctional in-laws came over to our house. Once everyone was seated, I brought her the birthday gift I got for her. She opened it and thanked me and then I notice her jump up, grab a card from her purse, then get a pen from her purse, open the card and begin writing in it. I did not think anything of it until I opened my birthday card from her and saw that in blue ink was written “Happy Birthday from blank and blank” and in black ink, hastily scribbled on the other side of the card read “you might want a massage after you have the baby so let us know and we will pay for it”.

She had failed to get my anything but a cheap card for my birthday. And once she realized that I am not a total shit like she is, and I actually made some effort for her, she tried to secretly write that massage crap in my card without me noticing.

That’s one.

Then, when Avery was trying to get my father in law to sit and colour with her, he kneeled down and drew a cat on the paper for her and then stood up to walk away. Avery chased after him to get him to come back and colour. My mother in law piped up “She wants you to draw with her” she said to him. And literally whining he said “I just did. I drew her a cat. What else am I supposed to draw?”

Rage is not the word. If he had turned and looked at me at that moment my eyes would have burned a hole through his flesh.

Dear readers (if there are any of you left), I am done with that family. I have not spoken to any of them since.

For now, this is all I care to write on the subject as I am still seething with rage. I am trying to calm down and not let it poison me, but today when my father in law called the house (I believe this is literally the 3rd time he has EVER called our house) it was not to check in and see how Avery was feeling after having been sick with fever for the last four days, it was to borrow my husband’s air-nailer.

I’m about ready to let loose. It’s going to happen soon. I will blog about the event Stay tuned.

Last night I had a dream. It scared the shit out of me.

I’d like to think that I’m not a complete wimp, but my sub-conscious decides to give me a reality check every once in awhile. I guess I thought I was just mildly upset about finding out I had gallstones. And I guess I was more angry than anything else initially about it because it’s one more fucking thing I have to deal with and now I have (almost) two babies to take care of and I can’t afford to be out of commission. Also, going under with anesthetic scares me.

Anyway, last night I dreamt that I was having my c-section. The husband was there and when they took Hayden out, he followed her over to the little “baby cleaning area” to take pictures, leaving me alone on the table. The nurse pulled the blue sheet that obscures ones view of the carnage away and I looked down to find that they had forgotten to stitch me up. Instead, the nurse had just covered the opening into my abdominal cavity with a white towel. At this point, something told me that I didn’t have much time so I called to my husband to bring the baby over to me but he wasn’t listening. It was all very dramatic. When I woke up from the dream, I was very upset. It was about 3am and I didn’t get much sleep after that. I kept worrying about dying and leaving my babies, and gallbladder surgery and anesthetic and infection in the hospital and blah, blah, blah.

I know that everything will be fine. I think that I have reached that point in my life when the realization that none of us are invincible has hit me. I am not invincible. I am meat and chemicals and brain and things can go wrong with those parts. I guess it didn’t bother me before because I didn’t have children who needed me. It’s so strange to feel so necessary and needed. Some days it takes my breath away. Some days I don’t even think about it.

The other night the husband and I were debating whether or not to stop in at a friend’s Christmas Party this weekend. We could drop Avery off next door for a couple of hours and drive the 40 minutes to our friend’s house, have a drink and a quick visit and then leave. We eventually decided that it wasn’t worth it. Then my husband said something that I had totally been thinking but was too afraid to say out loud for fear that he would think I was crazy. He said: “What if we got in a car accident on the way home and both died? You know, there are lots of drunks on the road at this time of year. Who the hell would Avery have if she didn’t have us?”

Holy shit. We are never getting in a car together again. Well, that’s a bit extreme. But obviously, both of us have seriously grown up a hell of a lot. And both of us are deeply connected to and in love with our baby. And it’s nice to know that I’m not the only crazy one in the house. It will be one of those fragile days for me I guess. Like I said, there are days when I do feel invincible still, but more in a determined way, not in an ignorant self-important way. Those are the days when you feel like a lion watching over your pride – you are big and strong and can protect your family from anything that comes along. I like those days the best.

But today, I am a rabbit.

It’s a girl! (And I have gallstones)

So they tacked on an abdominal ultrasound to my obstetrical one and whaddya know? According to the technician I have “loads of gallstones”. Awesomeness. I will be seeing a surgeon and determining if I can wait until after baby is born to have the surgery. Apparently this is somewhat common during pregnancy.

Anyway, the baby looks great and because there was no penis sighting, the technician is 90% sure it is a girl. We had 100% confirmation with Avery but whatever. A healthy baby is all I ask at this point. Although I was pretty freaking excited about the girl thing. We have a first name (Hayden) and a middle name (Winter) for a girl but no boy names. Husband thinks we should pick a boy name just incase. I like Jakob Kenneth, husband hates it. We cannot agree on any of them. Any suggestions from the 2 people that read this blog are more than welcome.

So that’s the update. I now live in fear of food.