holy shit

Avery has been sleeping since 2pm. It is now 4:21pm. She has been taking one 2 hour nap EVERY DAY for the past 2 weeks.

I have probably just jinxed the naps by writing this.

self-esteem

Today is the first really warm sunny day in the last however many months. We had a long, cold, stormy winter and when I woke up this morning I thought to myself: shave legs (lower half at least), find capri pants from last year, put them on and take Avery outside for a nice long walk.

When Avery went down for her morning nap I grabbed my electric razor only to find that the battery was dead. Then I realized that my charger was missing, most likely lost in a pile in the spare bedroom/office/garbage dump. I recalled asking the husband if he had seen it around last week and he said he wouldn't have remembered something like that. Translation: he was attempting to clean up the spare room and threw my charger in the garbage. He did this a few weeks ago with my hair roller holders. I still have the hot rollers, but I have nothing to hold them in my hair <>.

I decided to use a regular razor and, because I can't run the shower in the upstairs bathroom while Avery is sleeping because it sounds like a jet engine taking off, I dry-shaved. Not only did I miss a number of very long hairs, I caused my skin to break out in a rash.

When I went to try on last summer's wardrobe (and by this I mean the large-sized Old Navy capri yoga pants I bought so I could stretch them over my massive pregnant belly) I realized that I was looking pretty sloppy. And I have nothing else to wear, and oh yeah, I hate my body and I feel like a fat slob.

Because husband is on days this week, it is very hard for me to fit in a shower. Can't do it during Avery's nap time (jet engine), and my child will not allow me to leave her in a playpen to watch a baby video and play by herself so that I can clean myself when she is awake.

So now I am fat, sloppy and greasy-haired. Oh, and my eyebrows haven't been plucked in like, 3 months. I stood in front of the mirror and thought to myself: holy shit, how long have you been allowing yourself to leave the house like this?

I actually felt like crying.

And then I went to the bathroom and found that my period had started. And I am out of tampons and now I really do have to leave the fucking house looking like this.

I stepped outside my front door and was greeted by the sight of a new neighbour, all 300 plus pounds of her, standing on her driveway with a smoke hanging out of her mouth while she yelled at her kids to get off of the other neighbour's lawn. She was braless, and covering her corpulent waist and breasts that hung like burlap sacks full of half-filled water balloons, was a t-shirt that read: This is WHY I'm Hot.

And you know what? I still feel like crap about myself. What the hell is wrong with me?

bad mommy

Avery has decided not to poop. Well, technically it has only been 3 days, but the kid is not comfortable. We start out each day just fine but everyday for the last 3 days around 9am, Avery starts to grunt and then the grunting turns to crying and then the crying turns to wailing.

My baby never used to wail. Ever. She hardly ever cries.

This usually stops when I drug her with Tylenol (for the horrible teething that has been non-stop since she was three months old...and holy shit, she is getting a molar) and stick her on my boob until she passes out. My daughter is nine months old and still subsists mainly on breastmilk. I started solids when she was six months old by going the traditional route: rice cereal mixed with breastmilk, bananas, etc. EVERYTHING was organic and I even kept a food diary of what she ate and when, how she liked it, and what her poo looked like. She was constipated for awhile but my doctor assured me that it was totally normal and to keep pressing on. We bought the freshest organic produce and blended and froze and served her the best food we could....then she got diarrhea. I went to the doctor and was told again not to worry and that I probably gave her too much fruit or something. Meanwhile, my momtuition was telling me that something else was going on. However, I left the office like a good little patient and continued to feed Avery solids.

After another week of her waking through the night 4 or 5 times with gas pain that she could not pass, I went back to the doctor. She told me to stop feeding all solids for a few days, just nurse her, and then start from scratch to eliminate what could be irritating Avery so much. This time I told her I wanted to see a specialist or a pediatrician. We were referred. This was March 31 and my appointment with the pediatrician is not until April 22. I started all over again with the food and found, once again, that EVERYTHING bothers her.

For the last couple of days I have been giving her prunes and lots of water to drink (in a bisphenol A laced sippy cup as I recently found out) and still no poop. The husband and I have given up on the pureed baby food and have been giving her little bits of whatever we are eating at each meal instead. I am still recording what she gets, and I am still giving her solids because at 9 months old and 26 lbs, my boobs are not enough.

I am so frustrated and I feel so guilty that she is suffering. Most of the day she is happy and playful and up until the last 3 days she seemed to be doing better. None of the mums in my baby group have had this problem. Their kids all pound down the solids. I keep thinking that I did something wrong. I really hope the pediatrician will be able to help her.

So much for giving her the best start in life with the breastfeeding and organic foods.