with apologies to my husband
So last night as the husband and I were sitting on the couch feeling Avery pummel my insides, I decided to see what the heck is going on with my belly button.
I must preface this by informing the readers that my husband hates bellybuttons, any bellybutton touching or poking, bellybutton references, the sight of lint in a bellybutton, cleaning out his bellybutton in the shower (luckily he has an outie sort of), any references to bellybuttons and, well, you get the picture.
Many of you fellow preggos and post-preggos are aware that the bellybutton does not remain “pushed in” during pregnancy. Mine is no different. I have such a severe inny though that it’s taking its sweet time getting pushed out. When I stick my finger in there, instead of it going straight in, I have to angle it upwards, and I hit the bottom a lot sooner than I used to be able to, which now that I think of it was never. I have never seen the bottom of my bellybutton.
So anyways. I’m sitting there thinking about how I have never seen the bottom of my bellybutton and start fiddling around with it. I am unaware that my husband is still looking at the bump while I am doing this as I take my two index fingers and press them on either side of my bellybutton. The result of this is something that can only be described as a sort of “bellybutton fountain effect”, with the (as I now know) very deep tunnel part of the bellybutton being forced to the outside of my body.
Still can’t picture it? Alright then. Picture your tummy suddenly growing a little penis.
Better?
That, my friends, is what happened when I pushed on either side of my bellybutton. It was freakish even to me. My husband was so disgusted and shocked that he leapt from the couch, a sort of gurgling scream rising from his throat, as he ran towards the bathroom to throw up. At this point I was laughing so hard that pee was beginning to come out of me, which made me laugh even harder because not only is my bellybutton horrifically deformed – I am also incontinent. What a catch I am!
My husband managed to stop himself from throwing up and came back to the room. We had a brief discussion about what had just occurred (keep in mind that my bellybutton went right back in when I removed my fingers), and I was instructed that we are NEVER TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN nor am I ever allowed to push on that area of my tummy ever again in front of him.
I can honestly say that he thinks of me differently now. I’m like a freak show to him.
Guess who doesn’t get to go ANYWHERE near my vagina when I’m giving birth? And he thinks the bellybutton is freaky.
I must preface this by informing the readers that my husband hates bellybuttons, any bellybutton touching or poking, bellybutton references, the sight of lint in a bellybutton, cleaning out his bellybutton in the shower (luckily he has an outie sort of), any references to bellybuttons and, well, you get the picture.
Many of you fellow preggos and post-preggos are aware that the bellybutton does not remain “pushed in” during pregnancy. Mine is no different. I have such a severe inny though that it’s taking its sweet time getting pushed out. When I stick my finger in there, instead of it going straight in, I have to angle it upwards, and I hit the bottom a lot sooner than I used to be able to, which now that I think of it was never. I have never seen the bottom of my bellybutton.
So anyways. I’m sitting there thinking about how I have never seen the bottom of my bellybutton and start fiddling around with it. I am unaware that my husband is still looking at the bump while I am doing this as I take my two index fingers and press them on either side of my bellybutton. The result of this is something that can only be described as a sort of “bellybutton fountain effect”, with the (as I now know) very deep tunnel part of the bellybutton being forced to the outside of my body.
Still can’t picture it? Alright then. Picture your tummy suddenly growing a little penis.
Better?
That, my friends, is what happened when I pushed on either side of my bellybutton. It was freakish even to me. My husband was so disgusted and shocked that he leapt from the couch, a sort of gurgling scream rising from his throat, as he ran towards the bathroom to throw up. At this point I was laughing so hard that pee was beginning to come out of me, which made me laugh even harder because not only is my bellybutton horrifically deformed – I am also incontinent. What a catch I am!
My husband managed to stop himself from throwing up and came back to the room. We had a brief discussion about what had just occurred (keep in mind that my bellybutton went right back in when I removed my fingers), and I was instructed that we are NEVER TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN nor am I ever allowed to push on that area of my tummy ever again in front of him.
I can honestly say that he thinks of me differently now. I’m like a freak show to him.
Guess who doesn’t get to go ANYWHERE near my vagina when I’m giving birth? And he thinks the bellybutton is freaky.
posted by vegan mum at 2:34 PM
4 Comments:
Hee! This cracked my shit right up.
My belly button never turned inside-out when I was pregnant, but I think that's because it's a fake. I had a hernia when I was a baby and the dr. had to make me a new belly button. My belly button is a fraud!
omg i laughed so hard when i read this i was crying.
Hahahahaha! That is the best blog I've read all year! hahahaha!
This was a freaking riot. I read it the other day and now thought I'd show it to Smoochy. He's laughing his buns off over it too! Char was right, you really have a great blog. You're one funny chica.
Post a Comment
<< Home