20 weeks tomorrow
I’m at the halfway point! The lovely zits I have been getting since basically Day 1 are finally starting to disappear and my skin has this strange luminescent glow to it, I wonder if it’s because I am so fair skinned. Do I feel beautiful and goddess like? Hell no. I’m starting to feel puffy.
I made the mistake of picking up what sounded like (and turned out to be) the world’s stupidest pregnancy book. It’s called something like “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy”. I flipped to the “What your Husband is thinking about the Pregnancy” section and the first thing on the list was, and I am paraphrasing here, “He worries that you will become fat and unattractive.”
Hmm.
Underneath this bolded headline begins a paragraph pointing out the fact that, amongst other things, your husband did also marry you because he likes your figure and he is concerned that you will be unattractive to him whilst pregnant and then not ever regain your figure EVER AGAIN AFTER THE BABY.
I felt my eyebrows knitting together as the left side of my mouth pulled itself all the way back to my ear. I was searching for something reassuring and sarcastic to say to myself about this stupid book and this stupid paragraph in this stupid book when a little voice came into my head and whispered “maybe this is true.” And so begins the downward spiral into the “no self-esteem zone” that I managed to pull myself out of a couple of weeks ago. Every pregnancy book I read talks about the disappearing waist. They all talk about feeling unattractive, about stretch marks, about sagging skin. The next time I hear someone refer to stretch marks as “honour badges” I am going to go postal.
I am not wallowing. I hate myself for feeling this way. I should know better. I know that my husband does find me attractive and that he loves me and he is way beyond being so shallow as to judge my body after I have our baby. But let’s be honest; there is still a huge part of us that squashes that and makes us doubt. I do not want to accept these changes to my body gently and with an air of acceptance. I know this is shallow, but after being raised in a family where your appearance is constantly criticized and discussed, the damage has been done. I find myself turning sideways in the mirror and scrutinizing my tummy. Am I too big for five months? How much bigger am I going to get? I slather Vitamin E oil all over myself twice a day praying that I don’t get any stretch marks.
There are moments when I am completely swept away by the wonder and beauty of pregnancy. When I feel her kick and in the mornings when I wake up and touch my stomach and remember her. I am ashamed for feeling so critical of myself at a time where I should be thankful for being able to get pregnant and enjoy the experience.
I think books like the “Idiot Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” should be left to rot on the shelves.
I made the mistake of picking up what sounded like (and turned out to be) the world’s stupidest pregnancy book. It’s called something like “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy”. I flipped to the “What your Husband is thinking about the Pregnancy” section and the first thing on the list was, and I am paraphrasing here, “He worries that you will become fat and unattractive.”
Hmm.
Underneath this bolded headline begins a paragraph pointing out the fact that, amongst other things, your husband did also marry you because he likes your figure and he is concerned that you will be unattractive to him whilst pregnant and then not ever regain your figure EVER AGAIN AFTER THE BABY.
I felt my eyebrows knitting together as the left side of my mouth pulled itself all the way back to my ear. I was searching for something reassuring and sarcastic to say to myself about this stupid book and this stupid paragraph in this stupid book when a little voice came into my head and whispered “maybe this is true.” And so begins the downward spiral into the “no self-esteem zone” that I managed to pull myself out of a couple of weeks ago. Every pregnancy book I read talks about the disappearing waist. They all talk about feeling unattractive, about stretch marks, about sagging skin. The next time I hear someone refer to stretch marks as “honour badges” I am going to go postal.
I am not wallowing. I hate myself for feeling this way. I should know better. I know that my husband does find me attractive and that he loves me and he is way beyond being so shallow as to judge my body after I have our baby. But let’s be honest; there is still a huge part of us that squashes that and makes us doubt. I do not want to accept these changes to my body gently and with an air of acceptance. I know this is shallow, but after being raised in a family where your appearance is constantly criticized and discussed, the damage has been done. I find myself turning sideways in the mirror and scrutinizing my tummy. Am I too big for five months? How much bigger am I going to get? I slather Vitamin E oil all over myself twice a day praying that I don’t get any stretch marks.
There are moments when I am completely swept away by the wonder and beauty of pregnancy. When I feel her kick and in the mornings when I wake up and touch my stomach and remember her. I am ashamed for feeling so critical of myself at a time where I should be thankful for being able to get pregnant and enjoy the experience.
I think books like the “Idiot Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” should be left to rot on the shelves.
posted by vegan mum at 1:14 PM
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