i'm a crazy person
I’m going to be honest here. Pregnancy is not what I thought it was going to be. I know, duh, of course not, how would I have known? It’s not the physicality of pregnancy that I find difficult, though I am not overly enamored with my new udders or the constant cramp I have in my left leg. There appears to be something odd going on with me mentally, and I really don’t like it.
I have never been accused of being the happiest person in the world, but I get by okay. Lately though, I haven’t been feeling so good. I am trying very hard not to let certain stresses get to me because I know it is not good for the baby and I, but this is becoming a bit of a challenge. Perhaps what I am feeling is directly related to hormones, or maybe, just maybe, I am heading down the road to mental illness. Sounds dramatic, I know.
As I said before, I am going to be honest. So here I go.
There have been moments where I have been happy about this baby. Most of the time, I find myself worrying about my job, how I am going to be as a mother, and the amount of work around the house that does not get done now – which will only increase as I add to our family, what is going to happen to my body etc.
I am worried about my mother and this horrible situation she and all of us are in with my father, which looks like it will never be resolved.
The idea of breastfeeding makes me feel repulsed. Is that fucked up or what?
My self esteem is shite. And I think it is only going to get worse.
I am not handling things rationally. Case in point: Last night the phone rings at 8pm or so. Caller ID tells me that it is my doctor’s office calling so I answer. The following is a rough transcript of the conversation:
Nurse: Is this (my name)?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Get a pen and paper ready, I have an appointment for you
Me: (Now getting worried): Okaaayyy. What is this for?
Nurse: You are pregnant aren’t you?
Me (heart now pounding and thinking that this call has something to do with my last blood test results and they are very bad and this is why they are calling me): Yes.
Nurse: I am calling to tell you we have booked an appointment with an OB/GYN. It is this Friday at 2:15pm with a Dr. Neil Chen. (or something)
Me: I already have an ultrasound that day at that exact time. Not only that, I specifically asked for a female OB/GYN.
Nurse: I don’t book the appointments. You’ll have to sort this out with your doctor.
End of call.
First of all, could you not fucking help a brother out by telling me why the fuck you are calling me in the first place instead of making me worry about having another miscarriage or something going horribly wrong with the baby?
Secondly, why the fuck is my doctor’s office booking me fucking appointments firstly, with a male doctor which I specifically DO NOT WANT because they DO NOT HAVE VAGINAS and therefore (and I don’t give a flying fuck if this sounds bad) they have NO IDEA ABOUT THE PHYSICAL PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH or even just what it feels like to have a vagina between their legs; and secondly, why is my doctor’s office assuming I will be available for this time?
Rage.
For those of you who do not live in Canada in a healthcare system that barely manages to take care of people because of doctor and nurse shortages and dismal funding because the majority of Canadians continued to vote the Liberal party in for years and years, let me ‘splain: Most likely, I do not have a choice who I see or when I see them because there are not nearly enough OB/GYNs to go around.
But you know what? I don’t fucking care. Get me a woman gyno and get me one now. Yes, I am turning into one of those people but I’ll tell you what, I was treated so poorly when I had my miscarriage that I vowed that I would not take shit needlessly when it came to me and my baby’s care.
I’m sure Dr. Chen is just fine as an OB/GYN, but I don’t want to see him.
So anyway, this began a spiral of funk that spilled into this morning. I had a horrible nightmare last night where my entire family was slaughtered, couldn’t get back to sleep after it, and now I have my year-end review at work today – which was supposed to happen at 11 this morning but has been put off until 2pm. Great. I get to worry all day now instead of just this morning.
Why did I just go into this rant? Because I think what this shows is that I am not handling things well. I am flying off the handle at the drop of a hat. I am not getting enough sleep. And I am worried that I am going to start coming unravelled.
Is this normal for a pregnant gal?
I have never been accused of being the happiest person in the world, but I get by okay. Lately though, I haven’t been feeling so good. I am trying very hard not to let certain stresses get to me because I know it is not good for the baby and I, but this is becoming a bit of a challenge. Perhaps what I am feeling is directly related to hormones, or maybe, just maybe, I am heading down the road to mental illness. Sounds dramatic, I know.
As I said before, I am going to be honest. So here I go.
There have been moments where I have been happy about this baby. Most of the time, I find myself worrying about my job, how I am going to be as a mother, and the amount of work around the house that does not get done now – which will only increase as I add to our family, what is going to happen to my body etc.
I am worried about my mother and this horrible situation she and all of us are in with my father, which looks like it will never be resolved.
The idea of breastfeeding makes me feel repulsed. Is that fucked up or what?
My self esteem is shite. And I think it is only going to get worse.
I am not handling things rationally. Case in point: Last night the phone rings at 8pm or so. Caller ID tells me that it is my doctor’s office calling so I answer. The following is a rough transcript of the conversation:
Nurse: Is this (my name)?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Get a pen and paper ready, I have an appointment for you
Me: (Now getting worried): Okaaayyy. What is this for?
Nurse: You are pregnant aren’t you?
Me (heart now pounding and thinking that this call has something to do with my last blood test results and they are very bad and this is why they are calling me): Yes.
Nurse: I am calling to tell you we have booked an appointment with an OB/GYN. It is this Friday at 2:15pm with a Dr. Neil Chen. (or something)
Me: I already have an ultrasound that day at that exact time. Not only that, I specifically asked for a female OB/GYN.
Nurse: I don’t book the appointments. You’ll have to sort this out with your doctor.
End of call.
First of all, could you not fucking help a brother out by telling me why the fuck you are calling me in the first place instead of making me worry about having another miscarriage or something going horribly wrong with the baby?
Secondly, why the fuck is my doctor’s office booking me fucking appointments firstly, with a male doctor which I specifically DO NOT WANT because they DO NOT HAVE VAGINAS and therefore (and I don’t give a flying fuck if this sounds bad) they have NO IDEA ABOUT THE PHYSICAL PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH or even just what it feels like to have a vagina between their legs; and secondly, why is my doctor’s office assuming I will be available for this time?
Rage.
For those of you who do not live in Canada in a healthcare system that barely manages to take care of people because of doctor and nurse shortages and dismal funding because the majority of Canadians continued to vote the Liberal party in for years and years, let me ‘splain: Most likely, I do not have a choice who I see or when I see them because there are not nearly enough OB/GYNs to go around.
But you know what? I don’t fucking care. Get me a woman gyno and get me one now. Yes, I am turning into one of those people but I’ll tell you what, I was treated so poorly when I had my miscarriage that I vowed that I would not take shit needlessly when it came to me and my baby’s care.
I’m sure Dr. Chen is just fine as an OB/GYN, but I don’t want to see him.
So anyway, this began a spiral of funk that spilled into this morning. I had a horrible nightmare last night where my entire family was slaughtered, couldn’t get back to sleep after it, and now I have my year-end review at work today – which was supposed to happen at 11 this morning but has been put off until 2pm. Great. I get to worry all day now instead of just this morning.
Why did I just go into this rant? Because I think what this shows is that I am not handling things well. I am flying off the handle at the drop of a hat. I am not getting enough sleep. And I am worried that I am going to start coming unravelled.
Is this normal for a pregnant gal?
posted by vegan mum at 9:57 AM
2 Comments:
Yes it's normal and it will subside. For me it ended 3 days after the girls were born. They were sleeping, Andrew was napping on the couch and I woke him up bawling my eyes out telling him I needed a hug. Completely out of left field for me. Not an overly emotional person at all. Luckily he recognized my blubbing and sobbing as the elusive 'Baby Blues' that he was warned about in our prenatal class. But believe me, he had to put up with a highly emotional rollercoaster of a wife for a good 9 months.
As far as the OB/GYN goes... I am completely with you on the female doctor aspect. Infact, my family doctor (who has been seeing me since I was 17 and has kindly added Andrew and the girls to her patient list) is a woman who has had two kids herself. When I found her I did a dance for joy because after having men doctors all my life I finally found someone who understood how painful cramps can be, how annoying it is to break out once a month into Mount Vesuvius sized zits and how to deal with teenaged girl PMS. When I was pregnant she referred me to a female OB/GYN (who was a bit of a douchebag and I chalked that up to her never having children herself) who had 2 female colleagues who also monitored me (they at least had kids). I dont understand male OB/GYNs. I know it's bad to say it, but I just feel wierd having some male doctor who specializes in cooters be my cooter doctor. Go be a doctor that specializes in penises, not vaginas DAMMIT! Why would you want to make a living looking at some woman's vagina. Seems creepy to me.
Good luck on your quest to find a vagina doctor who actually HAS a vagina. Do not rest until you are happy. This will be the person who ultimately delivers your baby so you have to be comfortable with them.
I am sure that it is normal hormone stuff. I, too, have been feeling all out of sorts lately (I am nearly at 20 weeks). I have been getting emotional and frustrated really easily. And
I completely understand how you feel about having a male OB. I could not imagine having a man in charge of something he will never experience. I would definitely kick up a fuss to get a female.
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