adjustment period
I made it through 3 weeks so far. Being back at work is not what I thought it was going to be. I mean, the workload, the people, all that stuff is still the same. I really thought I was going to get a sort of mental break from being at home with the girls, and by association, I would be able to dig my personality back out from under the motherhood pile. This is silly now that I look back on it because my personality has never really gone anywhere; I’ve just added some new dimensions to it, namely dedicated mother.
As for the mental break, I don’t feel refreshed or free at all. I just miss Avery and Hayden terribly. The first week was by far the worst. I was crying every night after the girls went to bed. Coming back to work created such a deep sense of loss that I truly went into a sort of mourning period. I just kept agonizing about all of the time I am going to miss with them now. Hayden has been having a hard time with me being back too. I have been sneaking out of the house in the mornings so that she won’t see me. The husband tells me that she doesn’t cry for long after I leave, but when I come home she will not let me go. If she sees me walk in the door I can forget about going pee and getting changed out of my work clothes. She will scream and cry until she is in my arms.
I know this will get easier for Hayden and for me. Avery has accepted that I go to work now and she gives me a kiss and tells me she loves me before I leave. When I come home she bounces over to see me with a big smile on her face, ready to tell me about her day. I think going to pre-school three days a week has helped Avery to be apart from her father and I, and in turn she has been able to deal with me going back to work a lot better than she would have a few months ago.
Of course, my husband being home with the girls has made it a lot easier for me to leave. He was able to trade all of his day shifts for the year. We won’t have to worry about daycare (save for the few evenings a month when my girlfriend looks after the girls at her house for an hour while the husband leaves for work and I return home) until next January. I am looking into getting a nanny.
The guilt I assume will never go away. This is just something I am going to have to accept. I don’t know what is harder: staying home with the kids or working full-time. I know my patience was running thin towards the end of this maternity leave and I was looking forward to getting away for a bit, but now that I am working I feel even more stress trying to get everything done and then I am short with the girls anyway. And boy do I ever feel shitty about that. I am away from them all week and then I feel like a terrible mother if I lose my patience with them on the weekend.
Hayden is still waking up 3-4 times a night so I am definitely sleep-deprived, which I know contributes to the lack of patience.
Anyway.
There is a lot going on, not just as far as the girls’ development, but of course with family and friends and all that good stuff so I will make sure to explore these subjects more closely in the next entry. Until then, I will put my head down and work until the hours pass and I can be home with the girls again.
As for the mental break, I don’t feel refreshed or free at all. I just miss Avery and Hayden terribly. The first week was by far the worst. I was crying every night after the girls went to bed. Coming back to work created such a deep sense of loss that I truly went into a sort of mourning period. I just kept agonizing about all of the time I am going to miss with them now. Hayden has been having a hard time with me being back too. I have been sneaking out of the house in the mornings so that she won’t see me. The husband tells me that she doesn’t cry for long after I leave, but when I come home she will not let me go. If she sees me walk in the door I can forget about going pee and getting changed out of my work clothes. She will scream and cry until she is in my arms.
I know this will get easier for Hayden and for me. Avery has accepted that I go to work now and she gives me a kiss and tells me she loves me before I leave. When I come home she bounces over to see me with a big smile on her face, ready to tell me about her day. I think going to pre-school three days a week has helped Avery to be apart from her father and I, and in turn she has been able to deal with me going back to work a lot better than she would have a few months ago.
Of course, my husband being home with the girls has made it a lot easier for me to leave. He was able to trade all of his day shifts for the year. We won’t have to worry about daycare (save for the few evenings a month when my girlfriend looks after the girls at her house for an hour while the husband leaves for work and I return home) until next January. I am looking into getting a nanny.
The guilt I assume will never go away. This is just something I am going to have to accept. I don’t know what is harder: staying home with the kids or working full-time. I know my patience was running thin towards the end of this maternity leave and I was looking forward to getting away for a bit, but now that I am working I feel even more stress trying to get everything done and then I am short with the girls anyway. And boy do I ever feel shitty about that. I am away from them all week and then I feel like a terrible mother if I lose my patience with them on the weekend.
Hayden is still waking up 3-4 times a night so I am definitely sleep-deprived, which I know contributes to the lack of patience.
Anyway.
There is a lot going on, not just as far as the girls’ development, but of course with family and friends and all that good stuff so I will make sure to explore these subjects more closely in the next entry. Until then, I will put my head down and work until the hours pass and I can be home with the girls again.
posted by vegan mum at 1:50 PM
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