warning: this post contains swears and egregious misuse of quotation marks
Our office’s resident people pleaser brought in a batch of her “famous brownies” today. I could smell the Crisco from the parking lot. She walked around from cubicle to cubicle passing them out. I politely took one. I’m not much of a sweet tooth, and besides, this is the last thing my pregnant body wants me to ingest right now. It is T minus 2 hours until the nausea officially begins for the day.
Anyway. As usual all the women in the office went ape shit. What’s really annoying is that before taking a brownie they all have to say: “Oh I really shouldn’t…” or “Maybe just one…”
Ladies, lets not pretend that you don’t stuff your fat faces with hoagies and fries at lunch. All anyone ever does in this freaking office is eat crap. All day long. The majority of people in this office look like the customers in an American Cosco. By this I mean, morbidly obese.
I hate the fact that women have to preface eating by uttering these meaningless, shallow and totally bullshit lines. As I stuffed some of the trans fat-laden brownie into my face, one of the publishers walked by.
“Oh those must be good, everyone is eating them!”
I nodded and widened my eyes in an “Oh you know it sister!” kind of a way. I hate when I do that. I am being totally sarcastic but totally pandering to the idiocy at the same time.
“Good thing bathing suit season is almost over!” she laughed.
This is one of those moments when I want to do one of two things:
Laugh maniacally until she feels stupid for saying such a clichéd and unfunny thing, or, roll my eyes and say “Oh my god, just get over it already. Eat your fucking brownie and shut up.”
Instead I “laugh” along with her and hate myself a little.
Bathing suit season. Go fuck yourself. I have an IQ over 85. I don’t bother myself with such trivial matters.
This morning the Husband was telling me that one of the guys at work was complaining because his wife spent hundreds of dollars on some new bras. He told the guys how he “freaked out” when she told him - that is until he saw her in the bras. He went on to talk about how breastfeeding their 2 children had ruined his wife’s breasts. How they used to be like the breasts of a teenager. But these new bras made them look great. ‘Buy more!’ he told her.
What a fucking asshole. Can you imagine his wife finding out that her husband was standing around telling a bunch of firefighters how bad her tits were? She carried, birthed and nursed your DAUGHTERS you fucktard. DAUGHTERS that you are going to turn into bulimic little self-obsessed twats because of your retarded attitude about women. I hope your dick rots off.
Ahh, that was cathartic.
Now back to my brownie.
Anyway. As usual all the women in the office went ape shit. What’s really annoying is that before taking a brownie they all have to say: “Oh I really shouldn’t…” or “Maybe just one…”
Ladies, lets not pretend that you don’t stuff your fat faces with hoagies and fries at lunch. All anyone ever does in this freaking office is eat crap. All day long. The majority of people in this office look like the customers in an American Cosco. By this I mean, morbidly obese.
I hate the fact that women have to preface eating by uttering these meaningless, shallow and totally bullshit lines. As I stuffed some of the trans fat-laden brownie into my face, one of the publishers walked by.
“Oh those must be good, everyone is eating them!”
I nodded and widened my eyes in an “Oh you know it sister!” kind of a way. I hate when I do that. I am being totally sarcastic but totally pandering to the idiocy at the same time.
“Good thing bathing suit season is almost over!” she laughed.
This is one of those moments when I want to do one of two things:
Laugh maniacally until she feels stupid for saying such a clichéd and unfunny thing, or, roll my eyes and say “Oh my god, just get over it already. Eat your fucking brownie and shut up.”
Instead I “laugh” along with her and hate myself a little.
Bathing suit season. Go fuck yourself. I have an IQ over 85. I don’t bother myself with such trivial matters.
This morning the Husband was telling me that one of the guys at work was complaining because his wife spent hundreds of dollars on some new bras. He told the guys how he “freaked out” when she told him - that is until he saw her in the bras. He went on to talk about how breastfeeding their 2 children had ruined his wife’s breasts. How they used to be like the breasts of a teenager. But these new bras made them look great. ‘Buy more!’ he told her.
What a fucking asshole. Can you imagine his wife finding out that her husband was standing around telling a bunch of firefighters how bad her tits were? She carried, birthed and nursed your DAUGHTERS you fucktard. DAUGHTERS that you are going to turn into bulimic little self-obsessed twats because of your retarded attitude about women. I hope your dick rots off.
Ahh, that was cathartic.
Now back to my brownie.
Labels: blah, Pregnancy, work bullshit
posted by vegan mum at 10:34 AM
4 Comments:
You are running around inside my head right now. Women like that live their lives like a Cathy comic strip. It fills me with rage. Whenever I hear the words "chocolate" and "sinful" uttered in the same breath, I want to beat bitches down.
Hundreds of dollars on new _bras_. Jesus. Send that fucker my way. I'll show him my bill for ONE bra, pre reduction days and he'll be embracing his wife's grown up boobs. Here's some news for the lady's unhappy boob husband--he doesn't look like he did when he was a teenager either, yet we, the silent and loving wives, would NEVER utter a word otherwise. "Yes dear, you're looking VERY buff this morning." "No, I don't see any love handles." "Totally ripped, honey." "Yes, I think you have a better body than (insert MMA fighter/Brad Pitt/etc here)."
I keep playing out the scenario in my head where you choose Option #1: "Laugh maniacally until she feels stupid for saying such a clichéd and unfunny thing." Typical office folk don't pick up sarcasm very fast, so I think it would take at least 30 seconds of hysterical laughing before it sunk in. I'm savoring the image... Congrats on the baby!
1) This post is utterly hilarious. Yours may be my new favorite blog.
2) Indeed, congratulations on the pregnancy!!!
3) Omnivores Dilemma: On it.
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