back off

My mother and I do not have a close relationship anymore. Mostly this has to do with her bouts of depression, resulting in little communication between the two of us. My mother lives about 30 minutes away from me, but I can count the number of times she has come to see Avery on one hand. We do speak on the phone, fairly infrequently, though she has been calling more often as of late, and has told me that she regrets the way she has pulled away from me and the rest of the family, and that she would like to make it up.

Fine. Live and let live I always say. I am too tired to hold grudges and more family feuding does not interest me.

This post is not about the relationship that I have with my mother, nor is it about her depression. I am prefacing this entry with this background information to highlight how ridiculous it is when people who participate very little in your day to day life as a parent still feel it is appropriate and even warranted to comment on or critique the style of parenting you have adapted.

So my mother and I have been speaking over the phone more and more. Last night, she starts in on my sleeping arrangements here. Avery still sleeps in our bed. I still nurse her at night if she wakes up. Because Avery is still battling constipation (ultrasound results on abdomen expected next week) she often wakes up in pain, so I nurse her back to sleep. It takes maximum 5 minutes. Yes, sometimes I am very tired if she wakes up 4 or 5 times a night, but I deal with it, and I will continue to nurse her and sleep with her.

Since day one, everyone has told us how they do not agree with us sleeping with our baby. Most people have backed off, but my mother still talks about it. Last night, she told me to check out the website of a psychotherapist she saw on TV. This woman deals with children and family issues, though from a scan of her bio, it looks like she does not even have children of her own, but I digress.

This woman advocates the "cry it out" method. Put your kid in a crib in another room, and if they cry and won't go to sleep, don't go in to them for 10-15 minutes. When you do go in to them, comfort them only verbally, never touch them. Then go back out again. Repeat. She even had a section on the "cry it out" method and vomiting. You know, baby cries so hard they throw up? She feels that "a little vomit never hurt anyone". Simply clean up the vomit without too much interaction with the baby and leave the room.

Holy shit. I could go on about this but I won't. Obviously I disagree with this method.

The fact that my mother is still trying to sell me on this shit is maddening. I don't understand why she cannot just support us and our choices.

And its not just her. My next door neighbour has asked me many times why I sleep with my baby, why I still sit in the back seat of the car with her if husband is driving, etc. I am so tired of having these conversations with people. It is called Attachment Parenting. It is not for everyone. I do not criticize anyone else's parenting style (at least not to their faces. The husband and I can be gossipy to each other sometimes) LEAVE ME ALONE. Avery is happy and loved.

This lack of support, especially from family, has caused me to question the way I mother Avery many times and that is not right. Motherhood and fatherhood are stressful enough. People who are working hard at being loving, good parents should be applauded, not lampooned or criticized.

So I have decided, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I will not graciously disagree and try to change the subject anymore. I am going to tell people how I really feel from now on. Call me a hippy, tell me I'm spoiling my child, laugh at us for not eating meat and call us ridiculous for trying to get pesticides banned in our neighbourhood.

Bring it on motherfuckers.