Things I Should Say

My father called me last night. I have not called him in a long time. He is angry with me for not calling him. I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t know why we have such a strained relationship, then again, maybe I have to really lay it out for him. Last night, I could not do it. We had somewhat of a conversation but he was eager to get off the phone, which was really stupid because he called me. Anyways. He wants to buy his girlfriend a dog for Christmas. I really do not give a shit about his girlfriend, but I pushed the idea of a rescue dog and he seemed okay with that. So basically, I was only interested in the welfare of an animal. Pretty fucking pathetic, I know, but I don’t know how else to feel. I know what I have to tell him. I have to say:

“Dad, the reason I don’t call you anymore is because you drink too much. I don’t call you because you abandoned our family and left me to look after my mother and brother. You refuse to help my mother financially, even though she is on disability. You refused to help me even when I tried to tell you that by you not taking care of her, you are leaving me with a huge burden for the rest of my life, and that while this is going on, you are taking care of your girlfriend and her two children by providing for them financially, as well as leaving your pension to that family when you die. So when I am struggling financially to help my mother, possibly denying my own children certain things, they will be living it up, without a financial care in the world. I don’t call you because when I begged you not to drag my mentally ill mother in to court because she did not have a lawyer and she could not handle the stress, you would not listen to me and went ahead. I don’t call you because you always forget to call me on my birthday. I don’t call you because you left my brother without the strong, supportive, male role model he needed when he was younger. I don’t call you because you called my mother an idiot, to my face, and this filled me with so much rage that I could have killed you. You have no empathy for me or my family. You left me and you don’t care to think about it or deal with it. I have no respect for you anymore and I am shell shocked from the realization that my biological father could be so selfish and uncaring; that a parent could leave their children in such a circumstance and not care. I don’t want to spend Christmas with the family you live with because I hate them. They are not my family and they never cared about my brother or me. I hate seeing the huge house you live in, with the brand new cars in the driveway and the hundreds of presents under the enormous tree every Christmas. I am not going to be the good daughter anymore and placate you. I am the bad daughter now, and its time for me to take care of myself and the other people that need me. I expect nothing from you and I get nothing from you. If you want to do something good for me for once, stop drinking. Stop drinking and start being accountable for your actions and maybe then the guilt and realization of what an asshole you have been will hit you. Maybe then we can talk about what needs to be done. Until then, there is nothing.”